Misery of Love and Blades By: Sara Eie DeSter

The sound of lightning crashing and the rain pelting the cold, winter struck streets of London.  Everyone scurries about to get out of the rain and the cold except for one.  Matt loved the rain, one of the only things he ever loved.  The rain put him in a calm state, a relaxed state.  It brought him to another place far away from the miseries of his world.  A smile spread across Matt's face as he opened his arms to the sky and began to spin in circles in the middle of the sidewalk.  Bystanders who saw this act of childish behavior and looked at him with judging expressions.  Matt didn't care about what they said or thought about him.  He just simply continued to spin and enjoy the few seconds of happiness in his life.  All was good until one thought danced into his mind.  Lily.  The name if ever spoken would cut him like a knife.  She was the love of his life and his saving grace.  She picked him up when he was down and brushed off the unwanted thoughts in his mind.  Matt stopped spining and began to think.  He had to win her back.  Lily was his life he just had to win her love again, his life depended on it.  Matt had a plan and he knew it would work.  Matt turned around and began to walk back to where he originally came from.  He walked a few blocks down till he reached "Vanessa's flower shop".  As he walked through the door to the little shop, the heat from the inside rushed passed him like a breeze on a hot summer's day.  The inside of the shop was very homespun and had a sense of a welcoming atmosphere.  The aisles were crowded and packed with many types of flowers.  Roses, bluebell, and marigolds emit fragrances of a spring meadow that wrapped throughout the entire store.  After about five minutes of weaving in and out of the cramped aisles, he found the most beautiful bunch of daisies he had ever seen.  They were as yellow as the sun and when he inhaled the scent all he could think of was Lily.  He brought the flowers to the vendor at the front of the store to pay.  The vendor was an older woman around fifty or sixty years of age and she had a motherly glow to her.  She gave him a warm smile as he approached her.  She scanned the flowers and put a red bow around them to keep them together.  Matt paid for the flowers and ran as fast as he could to the corner-side diner.  Lily always went to the corner-side diner every Sunday after church.  Matt ran for what seemed like forever but he didn't care.  If running forever meant an eternity with his love, then he would run until his legs fell off.  As he ran, the rain hit his face making it hard for him to see where he was going.  Finally after twenty minutes of running, Matt had reached the diner.  As he went to open the door something caught his eye.  It was Lily, but she was kissing some guy with red hair and there was something else different about her.  Something glistening under the florescent lighting.  A diamond ring adorning her left hand.  Matt stood there still holding the handle of the door unable to move or process what he had he just witnessed.  His heart dropped into his stomach and he felt as though the world was playing a cruel joke on him.  Matt backed away from the door and slowly made his way to the bus stop not caring if the rain made him sick.  He started making his way to the bus stop.  This was a stupid idea.  How could I possibly think that someone like me could be with someone like her?  Similar thoughts began to fog his mind as he rounded the corner to the bus stop.   When he reached the bus stop, the bus had just pulled up as if the driver was expecting it.  The doors on the old opened with a squeak.  As he stepped into the bus, he paid the driver and took a seat next to the window.  He sat there, with the flowers still secured in his hand, in silence and thought about the times they had together.  The first time they met, their first date, their first kiss.  All of these memories played through his mind like a broken record.  One after another film reels of their life together began to burn away from his head.  But the main essence of Lily lingered in his heart.  Looking around the bus, his eyes scanned the faces of the passengers.  All of two passengers shared the same somber expression that he did, but with different stories.  He started at the front of the bus where an old man sat about two seats behind the driver.  He wore black pants and dark brown moccasins with a dark blue jacket to match his mental state.  He sat there and just stared at the ski as though someone were looking over him.  Judging by the tan on his forth finger on his left hand it was someone he shared his life with.  Next was a girl about the age of sixteen who sat on the middle left side of the bus.  She was wearing a black sweater with a gray heart in the middle of it, black jeans with tears in the knees, gray colored Converse low tops, and a red beanie on her head.  She was sitting sideways on the seat with her face was submerged in a beauty magazine which she was reading intently.  Beauty magazines telling the youth of the world that skinny as a toothpick is beautiful.  The front cover proves it all.  A woman standing in the middle of a room in a red dress.  She is so sickly skinny that her bones jutted out of her almost transparent skin.  All of this upsetting atmosphere was making matt feel uncomfortable.  He leaned back in his seat and rested his head on the back of the seat.  As he did so, he felt the bus jolt in the slightest to let more weary travelers on the bleak hearse for the living.  Just as he began to close his eyes, he was broken from his quiet peace of mind by a sound of someone crying.  He looked to his left and saw a little girl, no older than six, with her mom holding her for she had fell walking to the seat and had gotten hurt.  By the time the mother had calmed the small child the bus had started to move again.  Matt looked at the flowers to his right and back at the little girl.  He picked up the flowers and made his way from the back of the bus to the little girl who sat four seats in front of him.  When he got to her he bent down to her level and presented the daisies to her.  As she looked at the flowers, her face lit up like a Christmas tree on a Christmas Eve night.  The little girl took the flowers and hugged Matt in return.  Matt went ridged as she hugged him then began to melt into the hug.  He let go of the little girl and looked at her.  She had beautiful brunette hair and wide pale blue eyes that have yet to see the horrors of the world.  She had a cute little round face with freckles that dusted her cheeks and one dimple on the right cheek that stood out every time she smiled.  Matt smiled at her and said, “A beautiful girl like you shouldn’t be crying.”  The bashful little girl hid into her mother’s arm as the mother turned to Matt and mouthed thank you.  As began to ascend to his normal height, the little girl peeked one eye out to see if her prince charming was still there.  Matt caught this and gave a small wave to her which she so gladly returned with a smile.  With a quick nod and a small smile, Matt returned to his seat.  There was a slight feeling of happiness that ran through him.  The joy that was written on the little girl's face seemed to have washed the memory of the diner away though the thought of lily remained there in the corner of his mind.  In Matt's mind, Lily was a leach, attaching her sharp teeth on his memory never intending to let go.  After a half an hour of driving, the driver called out Matt's stop.  He stood from his seat, waved to the little girl, and got off the bus.  When the bus pulled away, Matt made his way across the street to his flat.  As he was approaching his flat complex, Matt began to dig through his pockets to find the keys to the front door of the building.  Finally finding the keys, he put the key in the tumble lock and listened for the click to signal that the door is unlocked.  As he opened the door to the complex, a sense of loneliness poured into him.  It was the same feeling he got at the diner when he saw Lily in an embrace with her fiancé.  Fiancé.  Matt shuttered at the word.  As he walked down the rustic and worn-down hallway, tears brimmed his eyes and his chest began to heave in and out.  The pain in the chest increased so much that he couldn't make it to the elevator.  He made his to the wall and pressed his back against it to help steady himself.  He sat there in the same position for a couple minutes trying to relax his ragged breathing.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  After his breathing had relaxed, Matt made his way to the elevator.  Upon entering the elevator car, he turned to his right to a small panel of buttons numbered one through six.  He pushed the black button with the number six painted on it with a white paint making the number light up.  The car shook as it started its climb to the sixth floor.  One.  Two.  Matt watched above the door as the light jumped from one number to another.  Three.  Four.  He stood there waiting to get off the elevator still exhausted from the pain.  Five.  He closed his eyes only to be haunted by bright green eyes.  Bing!  Sixth floor.  Matt opened his eyes and made his way out of the elevator.  Turning right down the hallway, he started his search for his flat.  About three doors down from the elevator, he stood in front of his flat unlocking it.  As he stepped into his home, the pain that started digging away at his chest became a hole that even love couldn’t fill.  He dropped his coat on the floor and discarded his shoes.  He walked over to tan colored couch and plopped himself down in the middle of it.  Matt sat there for a while, arms spread out and head resting back, just thinking about the things that went wrong in his life.  If anyone else was with him they would think just staring at the wall like a crazy person.  Matt knew that was everyone’s opinion of him.  Crazy.  What’s wrong with him?  Why can’t he be normal?  In Matt’s mind, insults and hurtful words began to swim in his head like fish in the sea.  His mind was racing through his thoughts till one crossed his path.  If I caused so many people to hate me, why am I even here?  The more he thought about it the more he started to believe it.  After about an hour of contemplating his thoughts, he had a permanent solution.  His mind now clear on the actions that was going to happen, he arose from the couch and made his way to his desk that was stationed in the back corner of the living room.  As he sat down, the old wooden chair creaked and moaned from the rare use that it had received.  He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began to write a sad small letter. 

 My dear Lily,

      I am sorry but I must leave you.  My life has no meaning without you in it.  But with you being in my life, it would drag you from your happiness.  But in the actions I am about to do, I want you to know that my love for you will never be extinguished.  My dear Lily flower, I want you to have every bit of happiness in the world even if I’m not in it.  I want you to promise me that. That you will be happy the rest of your life.  Just remember that I will love you for the rest of your life.  

Love always,

      Matt

As these painful words finished flowing from the pen to the paper, he carefully folded the letter and placed it in an envelope.   And on the front of the envelope he wrote in neat cursive: Lily.  When he finished putting the final touches on the letter, he reached into a drawer on the left-hand side and pulled out a picture of Lily. Her green eyes pouring into his hallow soul.  He closed the drawer and made his way to the bathroom with the letter and the picture in hand.  When he entered the small bathroom, he walked over to the tub and turned the knobs to the left to let the water run into the basin.  After plugging up the tub to stop the water from draining out, he turned to the medicine cabinet that hung carelessly above a cream colored sink, and began to rummage through it.  When he retracted his hand, he held a stainless steel razor blade and walked back to the tub.  He turned off the water and started to get in the tub still fully clothed.  He carefully placed the letter and picture on the top of the toilet seat and sat down in the tub.  He took a minute to adjust himself and took the blade in his hand and brought it to his wrist.  He then pushed down on his skin and began to slide the razor across his wrist leaving a trail of crimson blood behind.  His arm began to sting as he continued the same pattern up his forearm.  When he finished desecrating his right arm he moved to the left and began slicing his inner left arm.  After the pain started to numb, he placed his arms in the water and waited slipped into a permanent sleep.  Two days later, Lily was taking her morning jog around the city.  But there was something off that morning.  When she began to jog down west King’s street, she saw a crowd of people and her curiosity got to the best of her.  As she walked closer to the crowd she saw police cars and an ambulance, but there was something about familiar about the building.  Then it hit her.  That was Matt’s building.  She picked up her pace and began to weave in and out of people in the crowd.  When she got to the front of the police tape, medics were pushing a gurney with a black body bag on it.  As she watched this horrific scene, she felt as if someone was watching her.  She turned to her right and saw a police officer looking at her.  She noticed him walking toward her with a letter in his hand.  As the officer reached her, he asked for her name and then gave her the letter and the picture of herself.  He nodded his head and left her presence.  Lily looked down at the letter in her hands and stared at the carefully written handwriting.  She opened the letter and read it slowly.  As she absorbed the horrific news, her hand flew to her mouth in shock and she started to hold back tears.  Her first real love and her best friend had permanently erased himself from the world.  And he did it because of her.  Thoughts of the pain he felt and the words he never got to say to her flooded her mind as she fell to the ground and finally gave in to the sadness and let the tears roll down her face.  Two weeks after the funeral was arranged, Matt’s casket was being lowered into the cold ground.  Lily watched as Matt’s mother sobbed and choked on her tears as she witnessed her child’s funeral come to an end and people began to leave the site.  Lily was brought out of her thoughts as something fell on her face.  She wiped off her nose and looked up to the sky.  Rain.  Matt loved the rain.  She knew that this was a sign from Matt telling her that he was ok and always with her.  Lily took the rain as a way of comfort Matt was providing her.  She stood there for a while then she raised her arms parallel to the ground and began to spin around.  She did this for a while, just spinning and letting the rain hit her face.  Then as the rain let up, she left feeling a little better knowing that Matt is still with her in her mind and heart.  When Lily was a couple yards away from Matt’s new home, Hazel and her mother walked up to the grave.  Hazel went to the tombstone and laid yellow daisies down on the bed of dirt.  She looked at the daisies and remembering when he had given her daisies.  They were just as bright and beautiful as the ones that she had.  Hazel smiled at the tombstone and ran back to her mother.  She grabbed a hold of her hand, letting her know she was ready to go, and made their way home. 

                          The End